I'm breaking all the rules now

I had the best Halloween ever. Me and my friends crashed a party. LOL. No, we just came, though we weren't invited, but things worked out. GOOD. I didn't even bring any alcohol, but I still managed to get drunk. I seriously love being drunk, really considering the thought of becomming an alcoholic. Why do I love it? When I'm drinking I'm always happy, and there are no worries. I can do whatever I want without hessitating because I don't care. And it just feels so good. But something made my halloween this year. And it sincearly hurts me to say this. But it was because of that boy again. This time we made out, made out like for real. At first he started holding his arms around me, and after a while he brough me into the dark room (lol) and I sat on his lap. I rushed my hand through his hair, he stroked his fingers over my cheek and we kissed. We made out for a while, and then we went to another room. Only to make out more! Then we went outside, down to the streets where we were alone. Standing there in the moonlight with him introduced a new feeling in me, while we just stood there, holding each other tight, our eyes never letting go. Then we made out again, and said goodnight because we both had to go. God.

Can't say it was the best sunday, though. With a flinch of hangover, Eline and I walked from door to door with the newpapers. I also played a nervewrecking handballgame with just a little more hangover, keeping it a little more secret. And then, when we're at Kristines house, Eline tells me that the boy (I just call him the boy, I'm sure you know what I mean) doesn't really want anything to do with me. He just likes getting drunk and having fun with me at parties and so on. I won't deny the pain. It did sting. And I did promise myself not to get drawn into this. But I always do. He says he's looking forward to the musicnight we're having in about two weeks from now, and the naturetrip in a month or so. Why does he do that? Play with my feelings. He can't just sweap me of my feet that way and expect me not to feel anything. Then ofcourse, I can't blame him. He doesn't know what he's doing to me. I don't like falling asleep at three in the morning, waking up two hours before I actually have to. And he has no idea. And I can't believe I'm posting this. It just makes everything so real, you know?

SO, I have made my decition. I'm just going to stop thinking about him, and just give a fuck. I won't care anymore. Yeah. Talk about mission impossible.

NOW I really got to get to school, wish me luck on that. And Eline, if you're reading this at school or something, please don't let anyone see. And please close this window. If someone sees this I might as well just die. Bye