It makes me... anxious.. to be away from you

I wish I could either turn back time or flash it forward. I hate this thing that I'm in right now. It just feels like I'm in an empty black hole. NOTHING is going on. My life, handball, is kind of going to hell. I'm in real trouble there. And I've never been worse at school. You'd think I'd get lucky at love or something, but no. I don't have ONE good thing in my life. Except for my friends ofcourse, I know they'll always be there. But I just feel like something is missing. I just really want a boyfriend I think. A tall, dark hunk with brown eyes that can just sweep me off my feet. Yes, that's what I could need right now. Will it happen? No, probably not. Will I live? Yes, probably. I'll always live, no matter how little I want to.

Sorry about the english, but I just don't bother to write proper. Too tired, and too much homework

It will be as if I'd never existed

For the past few weeks, I've kind of enjoyed my life for once. I really liked the fact that we had made some new friends, the ones Eline know. I was SO happy when I found out that Gina, the sweetest girl ever, had connected with one of the boys.

Now, I like the "new friends"... Not so much :-P
And I just found out that the boy Gina was flirting with has ended it, and she's heartbroken. That poor, innocent girl.
I have NO plans for the next weeks, and nothing exiting going on.
I just realized my life has gone back to being sucky and boring. Great.

If I weren't going to see New Moon on Wednesday, I don't know what I'd do. I can't wait to see that movie. I can't wait to get drawn into a whole other world, a world that I know so well. I can't wait to see true love all over the screen, the kind of love that I've realized doesn't exist. Wednesday is the day I can forget everything and just pretend to be Bella.

At the moment I'm talking to Gina. She seriously makes me cry. Why her?
She wrote a poem:
A punch in the stomach, a slap on the cheek.
Love has knocked you down once more.
You can tell by the eyes of the victim.
The light suddenly disappears.
The stars, the sparkling, aren’t there anymore.

In seconds, you can go from being in the sky,
To fall hard on the ground.
You can think that you’ve got it all.
When it suddenly turns the other way, and you think:
All of my dreams has just faded away.

The tears are running down your face like rain.
This is just unnecessary pain.

That's just painfully beautiful, isn't it? I'm trying all I can to make that girl happy again. Sadly, it's not working out that well...

Go sit down and look pale

I'm alive! I made it!

This weekend has probably been the worst weekend I've ever had. But it's been nice too. Now that I'm thinking back on it, it actually was kind of nice. I did have a good time, believe it or not. But that doesn't change the fact that it was a living hell.

At one point the girls had to go get water, when it was black and we couldn't see a thing. I have NEVER been that scared in my entire life, I don't even know what I was doing when we were walking. I really wanted to face my fear, so when the others said that we should turn and go back because we didn't even know if we were walking the right way I just continued to walk. What the hell was I thinking? And when we walked back I walked so fast I didn't even notice that I was far ahead of the others. I really don't know what was going on with me. Usually I would walk in the middle crying. Now I walked in front, still crying, but I had some kind of instinct. I'm just praying never to do that again.

What else can I say? I liked when we were laying by the bonfire, that was actually really nice. When we were all laying on top of each other, that made it warmer, too. No, not warmer. Less cold. Even though I kind of HATED one of the boys who were just sitting on his ass bossing everyone else around, he did have a hint of good in him. I really enjoyed the candles he'd brought, and the music he was playing. But that doesn't make up for the suicide mission he sent us on. Oh, and I have to mention the three other boys. They were insanely nice! Helped us with putting up tents, tie our shoes, keeping the bonfire alive, getting water, and MUCH more. I really liked them! Even though I got a crazy little feeling they hated us. Haha. I hope we can continue being friends with them, though. Sweet people. I just hope that they can look past my face and clothes this weekend, since I looked like I was dragged out of hell (which I was), and I hope that the musicnight will happen soon.

Yeah, now it's 01.25. MAYBE I should get some sleep. Or maybe not. I went for a little nap around 14.30. Aaaaand woke up 23.53. All I could think was fuck. I just slept away the WHOLE day. What about all the homework I was going to do? And I was going to meet Petter and the others, but I slept through that, too. I guess I have to swallow that, since I don't have an alarm clock. I kind of lost my phone out there in the woods...

Grizzly is Emmett's favorite

Today is the day. All I can say is... Well I don't really have anything to say. And I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea what we're doing or why I agreed to come along on this trip. All I know is what I'm supposed to bring and wear, I haven't got a clue on what we're going to do in the forest for three whole days. But I'm sure there will be a lot of freezing, complaining and more freezing. And the boy that invited us. I seriously curse the day he was born. I've met him ONE time, I don't even know him and I still want to cut his throat.

Okay, I MIGHT be overreacting. I'm sure that this will be an experience for life, and I'm sure I'll control myself enough to not kill the sointenslyhated guy... I mean, I don't even know him. Lol.

Yeah. I'm kind of starting to look a little forward to it actually. We're leaving in only a few hours, and I haven't even started packing! I'm just hoping I'll get to leave work early today.

Are you so depressed by Forks it's made you suicidal?

Okay, I am SERIOUSLY not in the mood for this right now. I really, really mean it. I'm just.. Sad. And that doesn't cover it, trust me. Tomorrow was supposed to be the day. MUSIC NIGHT! At first one of the boys said that they had to go early, and I thought THAT was the end of the world. Hah. As it turns out it's not going to happen at all. Eline's mom has caught the swine flu, I feel bad for her! It's just extremely typical it has to be the date of our so badly wanted music night. I just hate the though of sitting home alone tomorrow, crying. That is what I'll be doing. I'm not lying. I will cry. And then I'll probably get over it :-)

Now I'll get absolutely no sleep tonight, because I don't want to wake up tomorrow. You have no idea how many times I've imagined waking up for this day. And now I don't want to.

So.. Before I get all suicidal, I'll probably just end it here. Goodbye.. Forever.. Just kidding :)

Distract me, please

Okay, since I'm writing here for once, I might as well do a little complaining.

Here I go: So... Today I've spent all day working on my animation. And I still have a loooong way to go before I finish. What sucks is that it's due thursday in a week. Yeah, I guess it could be done in a week. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE! On friday I'm going to Oslo to watch a concert I promised the one in the band I would watch. And after that I'm going to Tekla's house, so friday I don't have the time. Saturday is the night I've been waiting for for two weeks, MUSIC NIGHT. There is no way I'm doing homework that day. Sunday Eline and I are doing our weekly newspaper thing, and after that I got a handball match to play. So sunday I don't have time either. I guess I can squeeze in some time after the weekend, but there's always a but. Wednesday we have THREE more tests! When I am supposed to find the time? Oh goooood help me. Seriously.

So you faint at the sight of blood?

Yeah man! I finally made it through this week! Now it's just a few normal days, that passes through really fast anyway, and THEN it's saturday. That means music. Music all night long. My passion, my life, my love. Music. Yes!

And after saturday it's only a week before our big trip out to the woods. Ofcourse it'll be a lot of fun, but I have this creepy feeling. You know, being in the woods at night, when it's dark. Don't like that idea. I never really admit this to anyone, because I always keep my fear inside myself when I'm scared, but I am seriously afraid of the dark. And I don't even think it's a normal amount of scared, either. I honestly feel like I'm going to cry or something out there. How emberrasing wouldn't that be? I feel like a little child afraid of the monster underneath the bed. I just don't hope people will laugh or anything, because there is nothing I hate more than showing that I'm scared. I just feel so... I dunno. Just hate the feeling.

This wasn't even what I was going to say. Hmmm. Huemist, like we say in norwegian. Lol. Totally forgot. Oh well.

Sweep me off my feet.

How easily frustrated I am

Today is my date with my best friend. I got nothing else to say other that I love her, and I can't wait. It hasn't been just the two of us in forever, so we've got a lot to catch up on.

I kind of have to finish a storyboard that is due tomorrow. BUUUT, best friends come first, right?:-)

Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either

This week is passing unbelievably slow. It's only Wednesday. NO, it's Tuesday! Lol. I wish I could skip the next days and just get to the weekend already. Actually, if I'm wishing for things, I wish I could just jump to NEXT weekend. That's when we're having our music night, with a bunch of sweet people. I just can't wait. Seriously. This week is moving SO slow. I got nothing going on these days, so I'm just kind of waiting. And it's not just the fact that time moves slow, it's the school stuff I have to finish, too. But worst of all, it's the handball part. I totally lost it. I can't concentrate the way I used to, and I suck as much as I did a year ago. This is one of the things I always hoped never would happen, but now it has. My coaches doesn't really help much, either. Don't get me wrong, I love them! It's just that I get yelled at a lot (we get yelled at when we don't live up to our expectations), and since my selfasteem is so low these days that's just not good for me. It's come to the point where I get home from handball, and just start crying. And I don't feel bad for myself, if that's the expression you got. I fully and truly deserve to be yelled at because I am not doing a very good job these days. And crying is a part of it all, I cried everyday when I was a newbie on the team. My mood just hasn't been on top lately, and I've been having trouble concentrating. I don't know why that is, but I'm glad we're going to have a talk with our couches soon, one on one. I'll just have to tell them I'm going through something personal right now, and that's why I haven't been myself all the time. Something personal.. I don't even know what I'm going through. And I don't know why I'm feeling so sad sometimes, or why I can't concentrate. I'm just glad I got all my friends, 'cause they cheer me up whether they want to or not. :-)

This wasn't even what I was going to write about.. But but, it's not only only- like Petter Solberg would say.

Newton's getting on my nerves

Oh God. Forget what I said earlier. Today should be a happy day! So I'm going to smile.
SMILE MOTHAFUCKAAA! Screw the world. Mohahahahhha.

Okay, I've turned into a freakshow. Great.

I'm breaking all the rules now

I had the best Halloween ever. Me and my friends crashed a party. LOL. No, we just came, though we weren't invited, but things worked out. GOOD. I didn't even bring any alcohol, but I still managed to get drunk. I seriously love being drunk, really considering the thought of becomming an alcoholic. Why do I love it? When I'm drinking I'm always happy, and there are no worries. I can do whatever I want without hessitating because I don't care. And it just feels so good. But something made my halloween this year. And it sincearly hurts me to say this. But it was because of that boy again. This time we made out, made out like for real. At first he started holding his arms around me, and after a while he brough me into the dark room (lol) and I sat on his lap. I rushed my hand through his hair, he stroked his fingers over my cheek and we kissed. We made out for a while, and then we went to another room. Only to make out more! Then we went outside, down to the streets where we were alone. Standing there in the moonlight with him introduced a new feeling in me, while we just stood there, holding each other tight, our eyes never letting go. Then we made out again, and said goodnight because we both had to go. God.

Can't say it was the best sunday, though. With a flinch of hangover, Eline and I walked from door to door with the newpapers. I also played a nervewrecking handballgame with just a little more hangover, keeping it a little more secret. And then, when we're at Kristines house, Eline tells me that the boy (I just call him the boy, I'm sure you know what I mean) doesn't really want anything to do with me. He just likes getting drunk and having fun with me at parties and so on. I won't deny the pain. It did sting. And I did promise myself not to get drawn into this. But I always do. He says he's looking forward to the musicnight we're having in about two weeks from now, and the naturetrip in a month or so. Why does he do that? Play with my feelings. He can't just sweap me of my feet that way and expect me not to feel anything. Then ofcourse, I can't blame him. He doesn't know what he's doing to me. I don't like falling asleep at three in the morning, waking up two hours before I actually have to. And he has no idea. And I can't believe I'm posting this. It just makes everything so real, you know?

SO, I have made my decition. I'm just going to stop thinking about him, and just give a fuck. I won't care anymore. Yeah. Talk about mission impossible.

NOW I really got to get to school, wish me luck on that. And Eline, if you're reading this at school or something, please don't let anyone see. And please close this window. If someone sees this I might as well just die. Bye