reasons got nothing to do with it

I'm always sitting here, staring at the screen, the very empty screen, trying to come up with something reasonable to write. Yet the only reasonable thing I can come up with is to either shut my mac down or start doing the tons of homework waiting for me. And what do I find myself doing the next moment? Staring at the screen. With nothing reasonable to write.

I guess the reason I have nothing reasonable to write is that there is nothing reasonable going on in my life. NOTHING. It feels like there are 99 luftballoons in my head, except they're not empty, they're all filled with stuff I have to do. And on top of all these balloons is my hair. My hair used to be short until people started pulling in it. Stuff I have to do. People I have to please. My hair being pulled in all different directions. Now it's so long I think it's on the edge of just falling off. Like it can't take any more of this pulling.

My friends. So loved it could lift the planet. They take a lot of time and energy, but they are the ones I actually WANT to spend all of my time and energy on. They are the only ones I can truly be myself with. I can't be myself at school, or even with my family. All though I LOVE my family. It's weird though, that there is no fucking way I could ever live without my friends, even just for a little while, but when it comes to my family I could totally do that. I wonder why that is. I love my family sooo much, but I think that they'll always be there no matter how far away I go. They will always be my family. And when it comes to friends, there is no rule that says we have to stick together forever, and I think that's why I can't live without them, because I couldn't stand the thought of us growing apart. And I can feel it coming, the me moving away time is slowly gaining on me, and in most ways I couldn't be more ready to go see the big, wide world. But there is this... comfort in my family. The feeling is sort of undescibable, but when I'm with them I sometimes feel like a little child again, scared to be alone and there is pleasure of feeling protected by my family, like nothing can ever hurt me.

Writing all of this down really makes me realize how much my family mean to me. My dad. Mom. Brother, halfsister, stepdad. All of them. And when I look at the whole situation the feeling of guilt rushes through my veins. Why? Don't even ask. I don't know. I just feel like I'm not fulfilling my demands as a member of this family, you know? I always forget to clean up after my self, my mom always end up doing it. I don't make dinner because I suck at it. I never have time for familydinner because of all the other stuff going on. I'm never home, and it hurts me not to spend enough time with them. Especially my dad. The man is SO lonely. Poor thing. The worst thing is I never have time for him. And I'm supposed to stay with him ever other weekend, but I almost never do. Sometimes my brother's not there either, and he is left all alone. Imagine not seeing the two people you love the most, when you've been looking forward to meet them for two weeks. And they keep letting you down for parties and friends. Ofcourse he understands, he's so great. But that doesn't make it okay. I love my dad so much, and I want to see him more. This thursdag I went to see him after school. You should have seen the look in his eyes when I showed up. We ended up talking all night and drinking wine together. I really believe that it's the little moments in life that counts. I know I'll never forget that day. And, dad, I love you. You always talk about how bad you feel because of your accident, you can't take us out to play sports and stuff like that, and that you never have enough money to take us on vacation, because you're on your own and don't have a lot of money. But guess what? All that matters to me is being with you. I don't care about the superficial stuff, I care about spending time with you. Because I know you appreciate my apperance more than anyone. You're the man of my life. I'm sorry I don't see you enough.

But my dad is not the only one I don't see enough of. Every single one of my friends I don't get to see enough. Even the people I actually live with is a rare sight. But what's really wearing me out these days is school. I seriously don't know how much longer I can take. And it's not just something I'm saying. I can't concentrate. I just don't care. I never pay attention, I never deliver my homework in time, I always skip school in fridays. Last thursday I couldn't even sit in the classroom, so I went down to sit in my friends' classroom in a totally different part of the school, and just stayed there all day. And now, sunday is here. Worst day of the week. Don't even know why they call it SUNday, when its just a big cloud of rain over my head all day. Now I have to do everything I didn't do the past week. The stuff I made up excuses to do some other time. The stuff I've pretended to be done with, but I'm not, and that I have to show off tomorrow.

And I just feel wednesday coming, the last day before a longweekend. And though I know it will be awesome, I'm sitting here with the guilt. I feel SO guilty over my family, my mom. I've promised her not to have a party, I've even promised my self. I've let mom down so many times, and still I find myself sitting here planning a party. I hate myself. But I just know it's something I have to do. I'm sure it will be great. But I'm also sure I'll pay for it later.

While writing this, I've already not delivered my paper on time. And I have to make up too many excuses on too many things I didn't do for tomorrow. Then I'm going to bed. BUH-BYE