reasons got nothing to do with it

I'm always sitting here, staring at the screen, the very empty screen, trying to come up with something reasonable to write. Yet the only reasonable thing I can come up with is to either shut my mac down or start doing the tons of homework waiting for me. And what do I find myself doing the next moment? Staring at the screen. With nothing reasonable to write.

I guess the reason I have nothing reasonable to write is that there is nothing reasonable going on in my life. NOTHING. It feels like there are 99 luftballoons in my head, except they're not empty, they're all filled with stuff I have to do. And on top of all these balloons is my hair. My hair used to be short until people started pulling in it. Stuff I have to do. People I have to please. My hair being pulled in all different directions. Now it's so long I think it's on the edge of just falling off. Like it can't take any more of this pulling.

My friends. So loved it could lift the planet. They take a lot of time and energy, but they are the ones I actually WANT to spend all of my time and energy on. They are the only ones I can truly be myself with. I can't be myself at school, or even with my family. All though I LOVE my family. It's weird though, that there is no fucking way I could ever live without my friends, even just for a little while, but when it comes to my family I could totally do that. I wonder why that is. I love my family sooo much, but I think that they'll always be there no matter how far away I go. They will always be my family. And when it comes to friends, there is no rule that says we have to stick together forever, and I think that's why I can't live without them, because I couldn't stand the thought of us growing apart. And I can feel it coming, the me moving away time is slowly gaining on me, and in most ways I couldn't be more ready to go see the big, wide world. But there is this... comfort in my family. The feeling is sort of undescibable, but when I'm with them I sometimes feel like a little child again, scared to be alone and there is pleasure of feeling protected by my family, like nothing can ever hurt me.

Writing all of this down really makes me realize how much my family mean to me. My dad. Mom. Brother, halfsister, stepdad. All of them. And when I look at the whole situation the feeling of guilt rushes through my veins. Why? Don't even ask. I don't know. I just feel like I'm not fulfilling my demands as a member of this family, you know? I always forget to clean up after my self, my mom always end up doing it. I don't make dinner because I suck at it. I never have time for familydinner because of all the other stuff going on. I'm never home, and it hurts me not to spend enough time with them. Especially my dad. The man is SO lonely. Poor thing. The worst thing is I never have time for him. And I'm supposed to stay with him ever other weekend, but I almost never do. Sometimes my brother's not there either, and he is left all alone. Imagine not seeing the two people you love the most, when you've been looking forward to meet them for two weeks. And they keep letting you down for parties and friends. Ofcourse he understands, he's so great. But that doesn't make it okay. I love my dad so much, and I want to see him more. This thursdag I went to see him after school. You should have seen the look in his eyes when I showed up. We ended up talking all night and drinking wine together. I really believe that it's the little moments in life that counts. I know I'll never forget that day. And, dad, I love you. You always talk about how bad you feel because of your accident, you can't take us out to play sports and stuff like that, and that you never have enough money to take us on vacation, because you're on your own and don't have a lot of money. But guess what? All that matters to me is being with you. I don't care about the superficial stuff, I care about spending time with you. Because I know you appreciate my apperance more than anyone. You're the man of my life. I'm sorry I don't see you enough.

But my dad is not the only one I don't see enough of. Every single one of my friends I don't get to see enough. Even the people I actually live with is a rare sight. But what's really wearing me out these days is school. I seriously don't know how much longer I can take. And it's not just something I'm saying. I can't concentrate. I just don't care. I never pay attention, I never deliver my homework in time, I always skip school in fridays. Last thursday I couldn't even sit in the classroom, so I went down to sit in my friends' classroom in a totally different part of the school, and just stayed there all day. And now, sunday is here. Worst day of the week. Don't even know why they call it SUNday, when its just a big cloud of rain over my head all day. Now I have to do everything I didn't do the past week. The stuff I made up excuses to do some other time. The stuff I've pretended to be done with, but I'm not, and that I have to show off tomorrow.

And I just feel wednesday coming, the last day before a longweekend. And though I know it will be awesome, I'm sitting here with the guilt. I feel SO guilty over my family, my mom. I've promised her not to have a party, I've even promised my self. I've let mom down so many times, and still I find myself sitting here planning a party. I hate myself. But I just know it's something I have to do. I'm sure it will be great. But I'm also sure I'll pay for it later.

While writing this, I've already not delivered my paper on time. And I have to make up too many excuses on too many things I didn't do for tomorrow. Then I'm going to bed. BUH-BYE

Edward Cullen is staring at you

A time machine. Imagine what great wonders I could do with a time machine. I could rush things forward without even thinking about it, and I could go back in time if I would regret what I did. I could get a boyfriend, who'd probably break my heart, and then I could just flash past the heartbreak. A time machine would just let us control our own life.

But what would be the point of that? I sure would have no reason to live my life if I could decide everything that would happen. Letdowns, heartbreaks, disappointments, deaths, they're all a part of life. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. How strong would our heart be if we could choose it to be harmless? Would we be able to love, if we weren't in need to be vulnerable? If we never get disappointed, how are we supposed to be positively surprised? Where is the happiness in finding out the big decision you made was the greatest ever, when you could have gone back and made that decision anyway?

I always dream about having a time machine. Like right now, I would flash forward three weeks. And after that I'd flash forward two months. And after that I'd flash forward six months. And so it goes on. But what is the fun in doing something if you don't have to wait for it? I think waiting makes 50% of the experience itself. And now I'm waiting for someone to come visit me in three weeks. I kind of freak myself out. I met this guy on the Internet. Yes. I know. And I don't care. This guy really makes me feel good about myself, and to be honest with you, not many people do. I LOVE talking to him, and we are so much alike. Plus, I love his accent. Ha ha. I skype with him sometimes, and when our eyes meet on the screen we can sit there forever and just look at each other. It feels SO good, I can't even tell you. I mean, just the way he looks at me makes me get butterflies. I have never known a guy who is so sincerely interested in just talking to me, and don't JUST think about sex and stuff. He really cares. Don't get me wrong, when he gets here we won't just be sitting around talking about rainbows and butterflies, we'll be doing it ALL NIGHT LONG. Ha ha, just kidding. (I'm not). I know it might sound crazy to just meet someone you don't even know like that. I mean, people laugh when I tell them. So I've stopped telling people who won't even give me that joy of finally meeting someone, too. I know it's risky to meet someone like that, but I've decided just to take that chance. If he rapes me, so be it. But hey, it's not a rape if I'm in on it, right? So with NOTHING going on in my life, I seriously need to get out and do something. And this is me, starting to live my life a little. Fuck yeah.

Everybody needs something to cry about

Everything just seems to go against me these days. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get things right. Things. They don't want to go the way I tell them to go. They walk their own little path, or actually they run. As far away from me as they can get. They don't even care to look back at me over their sholder and say that everything is going to be alright, despite the fact that my way is no way. There is no way things will go my way. I guess this is what they call the obstacles in life. I won't even bother to mention what's going against me, because everything is. Except from handball, where I've actually become a big piece of the puzzle we have to finish without any flaws, and that's mostly the thing that keeps me up right now. That, and my lovely friends. And don't even start to think that I'm just a spoiled brat who cries whenever one little thing isn't completely the way I expected it to be, cause I'm not. No, I'm not a starving kid in the poor streets of Africa. No, I don't have any desieces, I am perfectly well. No, my parents aren't dead or drunkies, they are loved by me. And no, I do not have an awful life. But you know what? Everybody needs something to cry for. We all need something to grieve about. I cry. Crying feels nice. It cleans my soul, you know, letting all the bu-hu's out. Yeah. Bu-hu's. I said it. It's cute. You're not.

Every fucking thing goes wrong at school these days. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take. Everybody is just so smart, so good, so... working. And it's not that I don't work at school, cause I do. Maybe even a little harder then the rest of my class. Their life floats by me on perfectly exact waves that are always on time, while my wave is so unpredictable I sometimes make little tsunamies in my life. Yes, I make them myself. I know that. I have got to stop blaming everyone else, and start looking at the real problem, me myself and I. I have some difficulities with admitting it. I feel like I wear myself out working with stuff at school, and since I don't have to time when the sun is up, I do it at night. All night. Around twelve. I've been looking for more time forever, but I just can't seem to find it anywhere. I guess it's hiding at the end of the rainbow or something. The only thing I wished for christmas was that I would be getting a little more time to do stuff. In stead, it feels like the opposite has happened. I don't have time. And I don't think I ever will. I guess I just have to live with that.

may angels lead you in

Okay. So I've just watched the Olympics. And as the patriot I am, I'd donate my life for Norway to do so great this year I would just die anyway. That doesn't look very bright, though. Marit Bjørgen was awesome (she got the gold), and I'm perfectly happy with that. But this drags me on to the boys skiingfinal. My mouth fell down to my vagina and stayed there through the entire race. This was because of the Russians. The bloody Russians. Who the hell do you think you are? Crossing the line first and second before Petter Northug who came in third. Did ya SERIOUSLY even THINK that people can actually BEAT Petter Northug without drugs? Well I got a word for you. Lol. I KNOW you've been taking drugs. Motherfuckers. There's no help trying to fix the one reputation you have, that all russians are whores, to a better one like winning a gold medal, when you're only going to SHIT IN YOUR PANTS when you get caught using drugs. You might as well turn yourselfes in, 'CAUSE I'M ON YOU BITCHEEEEEEEES!

Emptyness

Hello.

Yeah. I'm still alive. But I'm barely breathing.

I don't know. It just seems like I`ve come to a weird point in my life. For the past couple of days I've just felt... Nothing. Zero. Zipp. Nada. I'm just listening to sad music and crying all the time. You know. You're the only one who knows. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm... Empty. I feel nothing. Except for emptyness. And now I come to wonder why. I mean, when I look at the bigger picture, I have a GREAT life. I got the best friends a girl could ever wish for. This weekend was one of the best I've had in ages. I spent time with one half of my family on friday. And saturday. Ah, don't even know where to begin. I'd been looking forward to that saturday forever, we were having a musicnight. I couldn't imagine anything better, a whole night with people I really like playing music I really love. That's what I'd imagined. As it turned out, the night was NOTHING like I'd imagined AT ALL. We didn't even play that much music. As for me... Well, I got as drunk as I've never been before. Despite all of this, I had the time of my life that night. And sunday, I was so hangover Einstein's not even smart enough to describe it. And when I got out there in the handballmatch, I did so good. And I haven't done that in like forever. And the same day I met with the other half of my family. I was just so damn happy all weekend. Then I got to school monday. It kills me that I can't describe the feeling I've had since then. I just can't stand it. It's almost like I got a hole in my stomach like Bella.

I don’t know how to be close to you. I don’t know if I can

I really didn't think this day would get to me so bad. I knew it would come. Well, I didn't know it would, 'cause I was hoping it wouldn't. What I'm talking about is a Norwegian blogger that has been talking about her cancer for a while now. For the last weeks she'd just gotten worse and worse, and I got the worst feeling. I've been dreading for this day, avoiding the thought of it. Today is the day of Regine Stokke's death. And I didn't think I would feel it so strongly, I didn't even know her. But I've been following her blog for ages, feeling her ups and downs, reading about her being happy and sad, and today she just doesn't exist anymore. When I found out, I actually started to cry. And now I'm just really sad. I'm just happy that she got the poster off all the faces in Norway that supported her throughout everything before she passed away.

Anyways.. This weekend will probably just be another boring one. No. Not boring. I will hang out with my friends and family, it always sounds like I don't appreciate them. I REALLY DO. All though I could seriously need a party this weekend. Staying sober is hard, lol. But, like every other weekend, I'll probably just chill. And I'm not complaining. :-)

The outside world holds no interest for me without you

Today I felt a ton of weight slipping off my back. Not literally (I wish), but today was the last day of living hell at school. You have no idea how good it felt to just sit down in the couch, get something to eat and just watch TV. I'm not just saying this, I seriously can't remember the last time I did that. I've got about two hours before I have to go and do something for school again, but it's not that stressful. I've been kind of.. I don't know.. Like.. Depressed or something lately. But today, I can feel happiness return. I'd forgotten what that felt like. November has been the hardest month this year, I hated it and it hated me. But now it's December. And I got a feeling. That this month's gonna be a good month. :-)